But Who Could Love Me I Am Out Of My Mind

I’ve noticed an unusually long time span between the last post and now, though no apologies. What’s happened? Still a lot of ‘I miss you’s and ‘we need to hang out’s sent out simply to …… my dog just jumped on top of my laptop. Freaking out, I push her away as hard as I could and yell. I think she’s mad at me now. She refuses to look at me. I’m getting the cold shoulder from my dog. What else are you supposed to do when a 60lbs dog with claws lands on top of an open laptop?

Summer days, drifting away. I’ve spent days doing nothing but eating and writing or who knows what on the computer. At one point I went through all 526 photos from This Providence on buzznet, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all interviews and behind the scenes videos from them, and I’ve scoured through each members blog. But when you love a band, your willing to. Including spending more money than necessary to get their hoodie.

“They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts. “

I found this picture (tweeted by Gavin, guitarist for This Providence of course) and it made my day. With all the protest and hate, a good laugh was needed.

And of course, Prop 8. Simply put: Equality rules! I am truly grateful, though I don’t live in California, it was a happy day. The idea that members of the same sex weren’t allowed to marry is saying to me that they’re not allowed to love, and it’s something that I’ve never understood.

Fights with parents. Never ending. I praise the day that headphones were invented. Sometimes it’s big, and I end up in my room for the rest of the day, door shut blasting music. Other times it’s small and it’s soon forgotten. But either way we fight. A lot.  I just tell myself that it’s because I’m a teenager, and this is what we do. Through all the excuses, I know it’s still my fault, but when your hormones are raging out of control and your parents just refuse to listen, this is what results.

My self esteem levels are sinking. They’ll rise, only to fall again, hiding behind makeup and eyeliner. It’s sound petty, and let’s face it, it is, but it started with facebook. I found a profile for my old neighbor I lived next to in Texas. I thought he was cute back then, along with every other girl. When I found his profile, I was excited, I hadn’t seen him in over three years, what did he look like now? Answer? Hot. I was cursing at myself for moving away. Then looking down….there were 78 comments. All girls complimenting him, and him saying thanks and the likes. That made me realize, even if I was still there, I didn’t stand a chance. I was always the new girl, and when you’re new it seems as if your reputation is literally a jenga tower. One thing happens, and it all collapses. But I also felt that, why should I even friend him on facebook? He won’t remember me, we only talked on the bus, and all these girls commenting were a hell of a lot prettier too. Maybe it’s my natural born talent to look awful in every picture, while others never take a bad one. Maybe it’s my internal list of thing that bug me, like my unruly hair, glasses, or big nose. Shallow things like that. Friends can tell you “You look fine, your pretty” but it’s usually out of requirement because you made a degrading comment about yourself anyway. It’s just kind of a hindering moment when you don’t even feel good enough to friend a hot guy on facebook.

Just a little indulgent, pick me up song of mine.

entendre amour