We'll Carry On

I've failed to mention my vacation, the one right before school had started. Not to bore you with all the minor details though. It was definitely fun, great to see everyone, but also exhausting. Mentally and physically. There's only so much family I can handle at once, and everyone crammed into a small house, I was going a little stir crazy. But getting to see the cousin was worth it, it seems that even with months apart at a time, we seem to snap right back into it. There are some things you can do with a cousin that you can't even do with you best of friends. Excuse me, a little summer reminiscing here.

I think I was born lacking the talent to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. I guess you could call it tunnel vision. It's just that I feel like so much is happening in my life right now, that it can kind of become overwhelming and when whatever I'm dealing with at the moment is over, I look back and say "What just happened? And where the fuck was my mind?" But it also seems that day by day my life is so unnaturally boring...? It's just the fact that sometimes you have this overwhelming of feelings and god I'm completely butchering my attempt to describe what's been happening. Why don't I just start lying: Right now my life is all puppies and rainbows and sunshine!

Meh. I'm being eaten by the homework monster. It's slowly chewing me up, making each hour of geometry seem much more monstrous. My utter procrastination problem never helps either. I think my technology is trying to make me fail highschool. Or at least that's my excuse.

In other news, people need to learn how to shut. the. hell. up. Yeah, thanks for telling me that, why don't you just walk on my emotions a little bit more? Just stomp them into the dirt, that's cool, as long as you told me what you thought I needed to know. If you know how I feel, then why are you telling me this? Thanks for letting me know you could care less.

I'd like to believe that there is a difference between telling something to someone that you know will hurt them, and putting your foot in your mouth. Because trust me, I'm quite capable of the latter. As my friends know, I could write a book about how not to say the things I say, and put your foot in your mouth. See I have this problem, where I tend to say things before I think about them...pretty much everyday. Either that or I say something that sounded SO much better in my head and it just came out wrong. My uncontainable mouth has led me to much embarrassment, I've hurt people I never meant to hurt, and much more drama then necessary. Combine that with the fact that I'm not always the best at keeping secrets and it's a wonder I still have friends. But to my friends who put up with me, I love you. Just saying.

I couldn't help it. I had to post this song. My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na

Didn't Love Break You In the First Place?

First day of highschool epicness today. Fueled by three hours of sleep! Summer turned me into an insomniac, so falling asleep around two am is good for me. Of course getting up for 5:30 is another story, but my body's become accustomed to running on under five hours of sleep. Maybe it's a good thing? But on another note, our school is utterly confusing. It's not that bad once you get the layout, but traveling around it only takes (pardon the exaggeration) a decade. Though I am looking forward to forging on and seeing what comes.

I know I've mentioned this before, but check out my love's blog? www.playmyheartstrings.blogspot.com I seem to be appearing in it quite often now and thought she deserved a shout out. It's unatural how we can't be apart for too long. Maybe it's from the fact that she lives a minutes walk away. During the summer, we went from spending almost every day together to a full brutal week of seperation. Sometimes we're act more like a couple then friends. We are "married" on facebook. It's not like it's wrong to have a friend that your super close with? I can just see what's going to happen in the future.
Me: (talking to guy about the Sadie Hawkins dance) Do you want to go to the Sadie's dance with me?
Guy: Uh I thought you were dating that Abby chick.
Me: *sighs*
I hope I did at least somewhat of a justice of explaining my friendship with my love. She's done a much better job.

I've always wondered what it means to be your own person. Yes, I look too much into things. It seems that when trying to 'be your own person', or at least attempting to be what it entitles, you end up being fake. Who you are is based off of the people around you, how you interpret it, and how you use in your own way. Which is also something I am still trying to figure out. In the midst of everyone else, there's you. Usually trying to find something that will seperate you from the masses. I honestly don't know what it truly means to be your own person. Maybe never letting anyone effect you? For better or worse? I try to be my own person, but I feel as if I'm lost in the shadow of other's that already have it figured out. I'm just a wannabee using them in an effort to make something that's better out of myself.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinion, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it."

" 'Be yourself' is the worse advice you can give someone."

I will find myself feeling shadowed sometimes. Feeling as if your eclipsed by a friend. One that's smarter, funnier, or prettier. I don't feel jealous, I love them all far too much for that. I just sit there as a supportive friend and wish I had more. I'll sit and see some complaining about the things I wish could secretly happen to me. That I would complain too, but also quietly revel in the excitement.

The mirror can be the enemy. Relfecting the thing you want to see least. Standing there and staring. Not feeling self hate, but a dull resolution that it's the best it's ever going to be, so you just have to suck it up and continue. But that doesn't require to love what you see. It simply entails admitting that that's all you got.

"Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anyone else to love you?"

Maybe a post shouldn't consist of a teenager's problems and quotes provided by google. I seem to forget to mention all the great things in my life. My friends, whom I love to death; my family, which annoying as they can be at times, are still there for me; and the inexpressible joy I get from being able to sleep with the windows open, considering the air conditioner is not running. The child like insticts in me are pleased by small things: being able to open the windows, finding yummy food in the kitchen, and spending more money then necassary to get the things you want.


"I didn't invent the rainy day man, I just own the best umbrella."

Rachel - Je T'aime




Dan's soothing voice telling me he loves me just the way I am. Heaven much?

But Who Could Love Me I Am Out Of My Mind

I’ve noticed an unusually long time span between the last post and now, though no apologies. What’s happened? Still a lot of ‘I miss you’s and ‘we need to hang out’s sent out simply to …… my dog just jumped on top of my laptop. Freaking out, I push her away as hard as I could and yell. I think she’s mad at me now. She refuses to look at me. I’m getting the cold shoulder from my dog. What else are you supposed to do when a 60lbs dog with claws lands on top of an open laptop?

Summer days, drifting away. I’ve spent days doing nothing but eating and writing or who knows what on the computer. At one point I went through all 526 photos from This Providence on buzznet, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all interviews and behind the scenes videos from them, and I’ve scoured through each members blog. But when you love a band, your willing to. Including spending more money than necessary to get their hoodie.

“They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts. “

I found this picture (tweeted by Gavin, guitarist for This Providence of course) and it made my day. With all the protest and hate, a good laugh was needed.

And of course, Prop 8. Simply put: Equality rules! I am truly grateful, though I don’t live in California, it was a happy day. The idea that members of the same sex weren’t allowed to marry is saying to me that they’re not allowed to love, and it’s something that I’ve never understood.

Fights with parents. Never ending. I praise the day that headphones were invented. Sometimes it’s big, and I end up in my room for the rest of the day, door shut blasting music. Other times it’s small and it’s soon forgotten. But either way we fight. A lot.  I just tell myself that it’s because I’m a teenager, and this is what we do. Through all the excuses, I know it’s still my fault, but when your hormones are raging out of control and your parents just refuse to listen, this is what results.

My self esteem levels are sinking. They’ll rise, only to fall again, hiding behind makeup and eyeliner. It’s sound petty, and let’s face it, it is, but it started with facebook. I found a profile for my old neighbor I lived next to in Texas. I thought he was cute back then, along with every other girl. When I found his profile, I was excited, I hadn’t seen him in over three years, what did he look like now? Answer? Hot. I was cursing at myself for moving away. Then looking down….there were 78 comments. All girls complimenting him, and him saying thanks and the likes. That made me realize, even if I was still there, I didn’t stand a chance. I was always the new girl, and when you’re new it seems as if your reputation is literally a jenga tower. One thing happens, and it all collapses. But I also felt that, why should I even friend him on facebook? He won’t remember me, we only talked on the bus, and all these girls commenting were a hell of a lot prettier too. Maybe it’s my natural born talent to look awful in every picture, while others never take a bad one. Maybe it’s my internal list of thing that bug me, like my unruly hair, glasses, or big nose. Shallow things like that. Friends can tell you “You look fine, your pretty” but it’s usually out of requirement because you made a degrading comment about yourself anyway. It’s just kind of a hindering moment when you don’t even feel good enough to friend a hot guy on facebook.

Just a little indulgent, pick me up song of mine.

entendre amour