Merci Pour Le Venin

Every word's a new regret if you say it right.

Look Alive, Sunshine!

Happy Thanksgiving! I don't know what I'm thankful. I'm horrible with....stuff like that. The coming up with good sounding words thing. But I'll just go with the standard friends and family <3>

I wish people could learn to accept compliments. If I give you one, I mean it! I don't believe in doling out false compliments. I've refrained from automatically returning a compliment when I receive one. It's giving one out of obligation instead of truth. Unless I really like your shirt. Then I'll return the compliment. Disagreeing with one is one thing, but don't shoot it down. Accept it and feel better!

Recently I've been asking my friends to describe me. My character, how I interact with other people, etc. Whenever I read I'm really aware of the character and it makes me wonder how others view me. I've asked my friends that know me the best, and I received "loud" probably the most. I also got funny, energetic/hyper, and sometimes obnoxious. Can't really disagree with the last one. I then proceeded to ask my friends about my serious side. The unanimous response was "What serious side?" I always thought I had one. It usually only comes out when I'm pissed or sad, but apparently it's not as prominent as I thought. Guess I wasn't as serious as I thought I was. But for better words, "Why so serious?"

I hate Christmas music. I hate it because I love it. It's always so. freaking. happy. And even now, at my age, I still get excited for Christmas, and my impatience kicks in. Every Christmas song I hear gets me more excited for the holidays, only to realize we still have a month to wait. I'm not really one for waiting. If I decide on something, I want it at that moment. It needs to get done NOW. Unless it's something I'd rather not do. Then I have a very passive, *shrugs*, "Eh, what the hell" attitude. Such a downfall.

I had some more important and deeper things to say, but the food and my sweater has made me all happy and go lucky. Yes, my sweater. It's cold and icky out, but I'm loving my warm sweater. And I'm full on delicious dessert. So everything else is irrelevant.

Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Kills Joys --one word: orgasmic. Yep. It's that good. This is probably my favorite song from the new album, behind S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W. For me, this is the song I can't get enough of. Hope you know what I'm talking about. That one song you love so much that you want to do more than listen to it. You want to crawl inside of it, and hide yourself in the lyrics. Listening to it just isn't enough. Damn Gerard's voice and their way with lyrics!




"We can live forever if you've got the time".

"During the 1960's, I think, people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. And I don't think they've ever remembered". Andy Warhol

"I sort of enjoy the fact that I'm misunderstood most of the time. That's fine". Billy Joe Armstrong

I have no idea where this was said, but it made me laugh.
"We like to kidnap them in a van, and leave them somewhere dangerous. SURPRISE!". Gerard Way

Bansky

As always, Rachel.

Polaroid SX-70

I want this. Really badly.

I Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self Esteem to Match

Dear lord. I keep trying to start this post but always end up deleting it. Try number four. Might as well start with a too many song links. I couldn't pick, so I put them all.

Fell In Love Without You (Acoustic) - Motion City Soundtrack
It's just really too pretty.



Behind the Sea (Alternate Version) - Panic at the Disco
This song has to be one of my favorite, musically and lyrically. Ryan's voice is always so calming to me, so of course I own all the Young Veins songs (his band formed after leaving Panic).



What a Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy
This song always makes me emotional, not 100% sure why, but it really is beautiful. It has such memory to it, with old props from FOB music videos, cameos from people they've worked with, and their old songs in the background sung by Brendon, Alex DeLeon, and more. <3


That's all I have. Between all the shit thats going on right now, lets just end this little post with a song and call it a day.

"You have to be willing to get happy about nothing." - Andy Warhol

Unexpectedly Happening

I've been feeling very creative recently? Not me so much as inspiration to discover new artwork, photography, music, etc. These are currently some of my favorite works -

After the Fall - Hin Chua

Photo by Mitchell Davis

Lisa Oppenheim
Wolf City - photo from Michael Shirley's blog
The Hangover

And of course one of my favorite artists - Alex Pardee

One of my favorites, I'm pretty sure it's called "Eat Wounded".

Rebellowrez

Snoring Blood (4)

I See That We're Made of More than Blood and Bones

Brittany will be over in an hour so we can go to the football game *excited claps* so I figured while I sit in my hazardously messy room waiting to be cleaned, why not procrastinate and write a post. Homecoming was...last week? Two weeks ago? You can see the effect of highschool that has muddled my mind. It was...eh. Seemed like just another dance, but with the excuse to dress up. I'm not saying I had a bad time, but I'm also sure I could have had better. Most of it was my fault anyway. Before the night even started I wasn't in a great mood, hence my pissed off expression in all of the homecoming photos. I was never one for standing still and smiling anyway.

In other irrelevant news, I've decided to dye my hair. I wanted a piercing but of course the parents shot that one down...that was besides the point. I feel like I'm being in lost in the giant crowd that is highschool. I've always had this sort of desperate subconscious need to be different. To stand out admits the other walking American Eagle billboards. And with that I've turned to purple hair dye. No worries, my entire head will not be the color of "luscious lavender", only a strand. Left side, underneath, behind the ear. I was so excited when my parents agreed to let me do it...until it turns out that most of my friends did not. My response was an overall "ehh...whatever. It's your hair" with a few "just go for it! it'd be sweet!" and a couple "I wouldn't do it's" and one "Ew. Tacky.". But what the hell. I'm a teenager, we make mistakes, I'm going to dye my hair freaking purple if I want to! So what if the bleach destroys it? I'll just live my life with a strand of bleached/purple hair. It's all good.

One thing I didn't mention...it's all a bribe. Or "incentive" as my mom calls it. In order to be able to dye my hair I have to get straight A's for this first semester. *scoff* like that's going to happen. I'm struggling to keep a high B, like I would ever get all A's. Failing the past three personal essays in english and forgetting most of the french verbs on the test won't really help my cause either. Honors geometry is just a bitch. I mean, 101 verbs (legit.) for french. I'm sorry I couldn't remember what the verb cacher meant. Seems a little pointless that the coloring of the hair would be like a little rebellious thing to me, yet attached to it is the need for great grades. I don't think parents understand the extent of the homework, and what it entitles. My dad was worried because I had an 87% in geometry, that I had to get it up to an A. Their expectations seem to be hopelessly fastidious.

Yes, short post. But to make up here's a song to show my love for my friends.
Band of Skulls - Friends

And another song, listen to the entire thing, give it a chance. This song has permanently embedded itself in my mind. *starts to sing*

Matt & Kim - Cameras


Rachel

Just a little memory:

Symphony Solider

we live with such artistry.
we paint with blood,
a canvas love.
a broken heart is like a masterpiece,
for all too gaze...
a perfect frame.
but we're just human.

Alex DeLeon.

We'll Carry On

I've failed to mention my vacation, the one right before school had started. Not to bore you with all the minor details though. It was definitely fun, great to see everyone, but also exhausting. Mentally and physically. There's only so much family I can handle at once, and everyone crammed into a small house, I was going a little stir crazy. But getting to see the cousin was worth it, it seems that even with months apart at a time, we seem to snap right back into it. There are some things you can do with a cousin that you can't even do with you best of friends. Excuse me, a little summer reminiscing here.

I think I was born lacking the talent to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. I guess you could call it tunnel vision. It's just that I feel like so much is happening in my life right now, that it can kind of become overwhelming and when whatever I'm dealing with at the moment is over, I look back and say "What just happened? And where the fuck was my mind?" But it also seems that day by day my life is so unnaturally boring...? It's just the fact that sometimes you have this overwhelming of feelings and god I'm completely butchering my attempt to describe what's been happening. Why don't I just start lying: Right now my life is all puppies and rainbows and sunshine!

Meh. I'm being eaten by the homework monster. It's slowly chewing me up, making each hour of geometry seem much more monstrous. My utter procrastination problem never helps either. I think my technology is trying to make me fail highschool. Or at least that's my excuse.

In other news, people need to learn how to shut. the. hell. up. Yeah, thanks for telling me that, why don't you just walk on my emotions a little bit more? Just stomp them into the dirt, that's cool, as long as you told me what you thought I needed to know. If you know how I feel, then why are you telling me this? Thanks for letting me know you could care less.

I'd like to believe that there is a difference between telling something to someone that you know will hurt them, and putting your foot in your mouth. Because trust me, I'm quite capable of the latter. As my friends know, I could write a book about how not to say the things I say, and put your foot in your mouth. See I have this problem, where I tend to say things before I think about them...pretty much everyday. Either that or I say something that sounded SO much better in my head and it just came out wrong. My uncontainable mouth has led me to much embarrassment, I've hurt people I never meant to hurt, and much more drama then necessary. Combine that with the fact that I'm not always the best at keeping secrets and it's a wonder I still have friends. But to my friends who put up with me, I love you. Just saying.

I couldn't help it. I had to post this song. My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na

Didn't Love Break You In the First Place?

First day of highschool epicness today. Fueled by three hours of sleep! Summer turned me into an insomniac, so falling asleep around two am is good for me. Of course getting up for 5:30 is another story, but my body's become accustomed to running on under five hours of sleep. Maybe it's a good thing? But on another note, our school is utterly confusing. It's not that bad once you get the layout, but traveling around it only takes (pardon the exaggeration) a decade. Though I am looking forward to forging on and seeing what comes.

I know I've mentioned this before, but check out my love's blog? www.playmyheartstrings.blogspot.com I seem to be appearing in it quite often now and thought she deserved a shout out. It's unatural how we can't be apart for too long. Maybe it's from the fact that she lives a minutes walk away. During the summer, we went from spending almost every day together to a full brutal week of seperation. Sometimes we're act more like a couple then friends. We are "married" on facebook. It's not like it's wrong to have a friend that your super close with? I can just see what's going to happen in the future.
Me: (talking to guy about the Sadie Hawkins dance) Do you want to go to the Sadie's dance with me?
Guy: Uh I thought you were dating that Abby chick.
Me: *sighs*
I hope I did at least somewhat of a justice of explaining my friendship with my love. She's done a much better job.

I've always wondered what it means to be your own person. Yes, I look too much into things. It seems that when trying to 'be your own person', or at least attempting to be what it entitles, you end up being fake. Who you are is based off of the people around you, how you interpret it, and how you use in your own way. Which is also something I am still trying to figure out. In the midst of everyone else, there's you. Usually trying to find something that will seperate you from the masses. I honestly don't know what it truly means to be your own person. Maybe never letting anyone effect you? For better or worse? I try to be my own person, but I feel as if I'm lost in the shadow of other's that already have it figured out. I'm just a wannabee using them in an effort to make something that's better out of myself.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinion, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it."

" 'Be yourself' is the worse advice you can give someone."

I will find myself feeling shadowed sometimes. Feeling as if your eclipsed by a friend. One that's smarter, funnier, or prettier. I don't feel jealous, I love them all far too much for that. I just sit there as a supportive friend and wish I had more. I'll sit and see some complaining about the things I wish could secretly happen to me. That I would complain too, but also quietly revel in the excitement.

The mirror can be the enemy. Relfecting the thing you want to see least. Standing there and staring. Not feeling self hate, but a dull resolution that it's the best it's ever going to be, so you just have to suck it up and continue. But that doesn't require to love what you see. It simply entails admitting that that's all you got.

"Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anyone else to love you?"

Maybe a post shouldn't consist of a teenager's problems and quotes provided by google. I seem to forget to mention all the great things in my life. My friends, whom I love to death; my family, which annoying as they can be at times, are still there for me; and the inexpressible joy I get from being able to sleep with the windows open, considering the air conditioner is not running. The child like insticts in me are pleased by small things: being able to open the windows, finding yummy food in the kitchen, and spending more money then necassary to get the things you want.


"I didn't invent the rainy day man, I just own the best umbrella."

Rachel - Je T'aime




Dan's soothing voice telling me he loves me just the way I am. Heaven much?

But Who Could Love Me I Am Out Of My Mind

I’ve noticed an unusually long time span between the last post and now, though no apologies. What’s happened? Still a lot of ‘I miss you’s and ‘we need to hang out’s sent out simply to …… my dog just jumped on top of my laptop. Freaking out, I push her away as hard as I could and yell. I think she’s mad at me now. She refuses to look at me. I’m getting the cold shoulder from my dog. What else are you supposed to do when a 60lbs dog with claws lands on top of an open laptop?

Summer days, drifting away. I’ve spent days doing nothing but eating and writing or who knows what on the computer. At one point I went through all 526 photos from This Providence on buzznet, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all interviews and behind the scenes videos from them, and I’ve scoured through each members blog. But when you love a band, your willing to. Including spending more money than necessary to get their hoodie.

“They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts. “

I found this picture (tweeted by Gavin, guitarist for This Providence of course) and it made my day. With all the protest and hate, a good laugh was needed.

And of course, Prop 8. Simply put: Equality rules! I am truly grateful, though I don’t live in California, it was a happy day. The idea that members of the same sex weren’t allowed to marry is saying to me that they’re not allowed to love, and it’s something that I’ve never understood.

Fights with parents. Never ending. I praise the day that headphones were invented. Sometimes it’s big, and I end up in my room for the rest of the day, door shut blasting music. Other times it’s small and it’s soon forgotten. But either way we fight. A lot.  I just tell myself that it’s because I’m a teenager, and this is what we do. Through all the excuses, I know it’s still my fault, but when your hormones are raging out of control and your parents just refuse to listen, this is what results.

My self esteem levels are sinking. They’ll rise, only to fall again, hiding behind makeup and eyeliner. It’s sound petty, and let’s face it, it is, but it started with facebook. I found a profile for my old neighbor I lived next to in Texas. I thought he was cute back then, along with every other girl. When I found his profile, I was excited, I hadn’t seen him in over three years, what did he look like now? Answer? Hot. I was cursing at myself for moving away. Then looking down….there were 78 comments. All girls complimenting him, and him saying thanks and the likes. That made me realize, even if I was still there, I didn’t stand a chance. I was always the new girl, and when you’re new it seems as if your reputation is literally a jenga tower. One thing happens, and it all collapses. But I also felt that, why should I even friend him on facebook? He won’t remember me, we only talked on the bus, and all these girls commenting were a hell of a lot prettier too. Maybe it’s my natural born talent to look awful in every picture, while others never take a bad one. Maybe it’s my internal list of thing that bug me, like my unruly hair, glasses, or big nose. Shallow things like that. Friends can tell you “You look fine, your pretty” but it’s usually out of requirement because you made a degrading comment about yourself anyway. It’s just kind of a hindering moment when you don’t even feel good enough to friend a hot guy on facebook.

Just a little indulgent, pick me up song of mine.

entendre amour